Church's dating profile
by Churchisalive
Summary: Wise man once said, "There are plenty of fish in the ocean." Well that wise man never met Tucker, whose saying is, "Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up, the better it gets." Help Church heal and find true love again. Send in your requests now!
1. chapter 1

**Author's note: So I'm just going to say it, it's been difficult to come up with new ideas for a story. So I thought of one that is set around the valentine's day theme. What's a better way to meet someone than at a dating site, totally kidding about the dating site not the story. This may or may not be a one shot.**

 **Takes place after season 5 of rvb.**

It has only been a few weeks since the bitch in black left Blood Gulch. Life continued on for most of the residence in the barren, hot canyon. All except for Church, who spent all the time in his room, mourning over Tex.

No one on blue team dared enter his room on any circumstance, and red team didn't attack blue base either. Everything seemed to move away from Church, even Caboose stopped walking by his door.

However on the start of the third week the Blood Gulch members held an intervention for the poor sap. They gathered around Church's door in a temporary truce as the Reds were on the right and the Blues were on the left side of his door.

Tucker knocked first, "Church, c'mon man. It's been two weeks. either you come out or we go in." He said.

Church opened the door to reveal his appearance, his face was unshaven with a five o'clock shadow across his face. His eyes had bags under them with red veins popping out along with dried out tear streaks. After he came out the second thing to follow him was the horrible smell from his room.

Even Grif thought it smelled horrible, "Fuck Church, what the hell died in there?" He asked.

Church blankly stared at the wall behind them and simply spoke as best as he could, "My heart." He said.

Simmons whispered next to Sarge, "Cheesy line. Just sayin'" He said.

Donut pointed a finger up in the air, "I know how to make you feel better Church." He shouted.

Sarge shouted out loud, "Dammit Donut, no one wants your massage treatment you picked up in France." He barked.

Donut shook his head, "Not that. Why don't we put him up on one of those dating sites for lonely people." He suggested.

Tucker nodded, "Hey yeah, that's one of the best ways for lonely people to find comfort, c'mon Church give me your phone." He demanded.

Church shook his head, "Guys I appreciate what you're doing but let me be in peace." He said.

Tucker nodded, "Yeah no problem, I already got your phone." He said as he started typing for dating sites.

Church walked away for a split second, "Yeah okay, you do y- wait, what?" He asked realizing what he said, "Tucker stop, don't you d-" Church said as he was about to grab Tucker.

Tucker saw this coming and reacted quickly, "Caboose, hug Church." He said.

Caboose grabbed Church with his big arms and held onto with him as he was his teddy bear.

Tucker and the Reds were signing Church up on one random site called, or . The group immediately began working on a profile for him.

"Let's see, username? Leo-BA007." Sarge suggested, Tucker typed it in.

"Likes? Cuddling, Music, and long walks on the beach at Sunset." Donut lied, Tucker smiled and typed it in.

"Dislikes? Saying Goodbye." Caboose remembered Church saying something like that, Tucker typed it in.

"Great now a profile photo." Tucker said going through Church's gallery until he came across the perfect one. One where Church laid on his back, shirtless, while staring directly at the camera upside down, letting his top half lay bear in front of the camera. His face in the profile was only a month or two old, but had his beard stubble, along with his deep light blue eyes.

Tucker then handed the phone to Simmons, "Now for a beautiful description that will sure to hook Church up with someone beautiful." He said as he began to type.

-Description-

Anyone out there in search of a strong, handsome soldier, look no further then this man right here.

-Stop-

Simmons looked back at the group of Reds and Blues and questioned, "What are we looking for?" He asked.

Grif grabbed the phone, "We want someone who won't beat the crap out of us when we hang out with Church. If the bitch does come back then we want to make sure she can handle herself in the fight. And, just so Church can hold onto something at night, someone who can take his breathe away." He said as he handed the phone back to Simmons.

Simmons finished up just in time as Church finally go free of Caboose's bear hug like grip. He tossed the phone back to Tucker as he got tackled by Church. Tucker ran with the phone as he pushed the green button indicating that he submit the profile. Church got off of Simmons just in time to see what Tucker had done. But it was too late. His profile was already submitted.

He clenched his fist as he spun around to yell at Tucker, "You Dibshit! What the fuck were you thinking?!" He shouted.

Tucker looked him dead in the eye, "What any friend of yours would do. We need to get you back in the game. Lucky we ship out in two days which gives us plenty of time for you to clean up an get you ready to make a date." He said.

Church was about to go to his room, "You know what, I'm ou-" Church began, until Caboose stopped him.

Caboose looked down at Church with his childlike eyes, "Church, I don't like it when you're sad, I want you to find a not so mean girl. Please do it for me." He begged.

Church groaned as he couldn't avoid Caboose's puppy dog stare, "Fine, I'll get ready, but no guarantees I'll find someone." He said as he went to the bathroom.

Sarge gave his hearty laugh, "Haha, let's watch him when he meets his dates." He suggested.

Everyone cheered yes as they all went to their rooms to grab what they would need.

 **Author's note: So tell me who'd you want to see Church hook up. Remember anyone you type I will research, anyone is excepted. Doesn't matter between race or species, shit is going to get crazy. So send in those request in the comment section below.**


	2. 1st Date

**So I'm going to start with the person who sent a suggestion first. Big thanks to him because I watched every episode of RWBY so I'm set.**

[A few days later]

Church had received a request for a date by the username P3N-3. Church was tempted to say no, however the guys wouldn't let him.

So he grabbed a cobalt flannel button up, a jacket, and a regular pair of jeans. He walked towards the bathroom, did a 10 minute shower and a 10 minute shave. He still had a long time before he was supposed to get ready but he though it'd be best to get it over with. He grabbed his scented colon and sprayed the air just to smell. It was better than Tucker's.

He now sat on the couch waiting for the date to begin. Church slumped as he knew that the guys would watch him from afar. Church didn't care about that, he wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

However, the Reds and Blues wouldn't let that happen.

[Church's date]

Church and the others had decided to meet the girl at a regular coffee shop. Because y'know, how freaking original is that idea. Church sat at a table near the window waiting with a black coffee in his hand. He tapped the table multiple times patiently as he began to become nervous.

Church looked at the door waiting for his date to arrive, then looked behind him to see all the Reds and Blues. Hell, even Sister aand Doc showed up for moral support.

Church had waited 30 minutes for this girl who clearly rejected, as he stood up. He turned to his right just in the exact moment someone had walked in front of him. He looked down to see an orange haired, freckled girl staring up at him.

She looked at him and did a small salute, "Salutations." She said with cheer.

Church looked confused for a moment, "Hi? Can I help you?" He asked.

The girl smiled cheerfully, "Oh yes please, I'm looking for my date, he's using the profile name Leo-BA007." She said.

Church then looked at his phone, "Wait, you're P3N-3?" He asked as he looked at his phone.

P3N-3 smiled, "Yes, are you Leo-BA007?" She asked.

Church nodded as he started to crack a smile, "Yeah, I actually thought you were blowing me off for a second." He said.

P3N-3 shook her head, "Oh heavens no, I would not do that to someone I never met." She said in an innocent voice.

Church stepped back to sit in his seat, "Um so do you want something to drink? Or eat?" He asked.

"No thank you I'm not *hic* hungry" She said as she hiccupped.

"So what's your real name?" He asked as he didn't want to hook up with a complete stranger.

"My name is Penny Polendina, and the reason I actually accepted this date is for research." She admitted.

Church cocked his head to the side, "Wait, research? What kind of research?" He asked.

"Well, I'm exploring human emotions that can occur between two partners. I have received many experiences by watching television series of different genres on my own. However to receive a full experience I would have to have a somewhat romantic relationship with another person. So I thought it'd be best to join a dating website. And that's how I met you." Penny said.

Church nodded as he understood half of what she had said, "Okay, so I'm like a test rat?" He asked.

"Well in a manner of speaking, yes. A very handsome test rat." She said intending a comment.

Church didn't know how to respond, "Uh, thanks, I guess."

"I read playfully commenting one's mate is a good way to get a relationship started." She stated.

"Well I'm not sure about that, maybe if this was a fan made story, but I wouldn't guess so." He said.

"Well maybe this would work..." She said as she stared into his eyes.

Church looked straight back into her eyes as she leaned closer, "Um, what's going on?" He asked.

"This is called soul gazing, two people make intense eye contact to see inside the other person's heart." She answered.

After a long awkward stare between the two Church felt uncomfortable, "I don't think that it's working." He said as he was about to go.

Before he got to the point of standing Penny grabbed his collar, "What about this?" She said as she yanked on his collar.

"What are you d-" Church was about to say until two soft lips landed directly on his. He had his eyes opened in the beginning, until he finally eased into it.

Penny pulled away as she asked Church a question, "So was that as satisfying for you as it was for me?" She asked.

Church was left speechless as he was just kissed by a random girl whom he never met in his life, "Yeah, that was good." He managed to say without slurring his words.

She did a small hop as she clapped her hands together, "Goody, I hope we can do this again." She said as she began to grab her bag as she pulled out a piece of paper, "Here is my contact information, if you wish to see me again, please don't hesitate to contact the information you see." She handed the paper to Church as she walked out of the coffee shop.

Church watched as her hair bounced with each step she took, as her hips move from side to side. Church couldn't actually he found someone that quick. He watched as she left, "See ya." He managed to say.

The Reds and Blues walked over to Church as they all were proud Church had finally met someone, "Is that her number?" Simmons asked.

"Yeah, I might want to call her again." He admitted

Tucker grabbed the piece of paper, "I'll take that." He said as he swiped it from Church's hands.

"Tucker, what are you doing?" Church asked angrily.

"What have I told you?" Tucker asked, "Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up, the better it gets." He said as he put the paper in his pocket.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Church asked.

"We need to give you more options. Backups are always a good way to be sure you find the right one." Tucker finished.

"This is gonna end badly, isn't it?" Church asked.

"Nope." Most of the group answered.

"Maybe." Doc said honestly.

"Oh boy, this is gonna suck I just know it." Church said.

 **End of Chapter 2**

 **Author's note: Sorry if some of you were expecting something else, I was going with who I saw first. Big thanks to bestpony666, he was technically the first to review, even though it doesn't show it. And for the last chapter, the website was called , or Fanfiction Couples**


	3. It's Okay, She's 18

**So it's been a while since I reposted in this neighborhood so let me just say it's good to be back.**

 **Now let's get started.**

[Location: Unknown]

Somewhere in a random island in the middle of nowhere Church asked Tucker, Caboose, Sarge, Grif and Simmons to be by his side. The only one's that were standing next to Church was Caboose, Tucker and Sarge.

Church was crossed armed with his eyes closed and his hair blowing in the breeze. All that could be heard was the wind, surprisingly Caboose wasn't bugging Church but was looking at birds.

The only one to interrupt the peace was Tucker, "So why are we here?" He asked.

Sarge scratched his chin, "It's funny, I asked myself the same question everyday." He started.

Tucker shook his head, "No, I mean why are we here on this remote island when we could be at a coffee shop or a restaurant or a park or a fucking movie theater." He asked.

Church looked back without moving, "Because the girl asked me to meet her here. So why don't you just go home." He said.

Tucker refused, "No way, I want to see if she's hot." He said.

Church turned around in anger, "If that's why you're here why don't you just f-" He stopped as he heard three footstep like noises behind him.

Church turned around to see a blonde haired blue eyed woman, a dark haired blue eyed man that could've been her twin and a tall orange haired man wearing some green type of armor. Church looked at his phone to see who this was, "Excuse me, are you...18?" He asked glancing at his phone.

Tucker spoke up from behind him, "Dude, not sure that's something you ask a girl on the first date." He said.

Church furrowed his eyebrow, "Shut up, Tucker, I mean is her profile name 18." He said.

"Yes, that is my name." She said as she stared at Church.

Church looked back at the phone, "I didn't know you were bringing backup." He said.

18 glanced around, "Neither did I know you'd bring some as well." She said as she looked at a rock, "You two behind the rock can come out." She said.

A moment of silence went by, "No, we're good." Grif said.

Church saw something on the phone he wasn't prepared to do, "It says here that you're married. I actually have a problem with that, I can't do that to another man." He said as he put his phone away.

18 spoke again, "I understand, societal definition of marriage are as stated even though they are bull shit. I am doing this so I can have a possible child that can look after my daughter who I fear might not be strong enough to defend herself." She said.

Church looked confused but understood, "Wait, you want me to be a sperm donor in a way. Am I getting this right." Church asked.

18 nodded, "In a type of way, yes." She said.

Church was about to open his mouth until Tucker put his hand over his face, "Well if that's the case why don't you let me help you out with that." He said.

Church slapped Tucker's hand out of his face, "Tucker what the hell are you doing?" Church asked.

Tucker put one hand in the air and the other on his chest, "Sorry Church, if you miss out on this opportunity for a free bang then I'm taking it." He said as he walked over to 18, "If you're looking for a new partner, I'm in." He said to 18.

18 leaned forward and grabbed him by the collar, then back handed Tucker into the side of a rock mountain. Sarge, Grif and Simmons ran over to the wall, "Hey blue, you all right?" Sarge asked.

From the newly formed cave Tucker called out, "Did anyone get the number of that bitch?" He asked.

18 called out to him, "18." She said.

"Thank you." Tucker said.

Church walked over to 18 as her two bodyguard friends were getting defensive, "You just bitch slapped Tucker into a wall." He stated, "I owe you anything you ask for." He said feeling happy his perverted friend got what was coming to him.

18 smiled, "Thank you. Unfortunately you won't be using that body." She said.

Church grew confused, "What? What do you mean by that?" He asked.

She then turned to the tall one and nodded, "Well, even though I do need a stronger specimen, the ideal one was created in the form of a stronger model." 18 said as the tall one came back carrying a large metal container with a glass window. Church looked inside to see what was in the container and came face to face with himself. 18 then explained how this was possible, "Using the picture from your profile I was able to create a model that was made to look ideal. After doing more research I found out you can possession of beings both organic and mechanical. So I made a cybernetic organism with many weapon features, enhanced strength and..." She stopped as Church opened the crate.

Church looked at his newly made body, "A bigger switch!" Church said as he saw a dream come true.

Church left his weaker body as he went into the new and improved version of himself. He stood proud as he soon realized that he was naked, but still was proud to show it off.

He then grabbed his pants, shirt and boots as he enjoyed having his new strength. He smashed a boulder with his bare fist as he saw no end to the newly blessed power he was given.

18 smiled and left with the two she came with following behind her, "Enjoy your new body." She said as she walked away.

Church looked back, "Wait. What about the favor?" He asked.

18 waved behind her, "Don't worry, you'll still owe me, just be thankful I'm not cashing in now." She said as she and her gang walked into the sunset.

That was the que for the boys to go home and rest up for next the next date.

 **Author's note: Sorry if this felt rushed, I was wondering how to go about this chapter. This story has been on my mind for years. And please keep shooting random suggestions, don't be shy.** **Til next chapter, Churchisalive is still kicking.**


End file.
